Friday, August 22, 2008

My Resume

Here's what i can do:

I have a crazy green thumb. I can grow just about anything that produces chlorophyl.

I can diagnose most plant diseases. If you have a plant that is dying, I can tell you how to fix it.

I have an encyclopedia for a brain. If you need help with a problem, more often than not, I can find a solution for you.

I know how to tell poisonous plants from edible plants (and even how to turn some of the poisonous plants into foods). This will come in handy when an economic crisis results in fewer foods in the stores.

I can show you how to successfully grow your own food, medicine, and industrial fibers.

I know how to grow organically, without using synthetic fertilizers and pesticides.

I know how to locate water, and how to purify contaminated water.

My extensive anthropological training has equipped me with many skills, such as how to read a person's body language, and how to see beyond the veil of cultural boundaries, not to mention that I have an extensive understanding of human population dynamics and the life-cycles of human societies.

I crave challenges. I thrive on problem-solving. I realize that there are a thousand ways to tackle any given problem.

I am highly creative, eager to learn new information, and finely tuned at thinking outside of the box.

I am an avid reader, and I know how to hunt for new information.

I am an artist, and I write, draw, build, and compose music just because I can.

I know my way around a recording studio, and I can design any sound imaginable.

In my daily life, I am friendly, compassionate, and eager to help anyone in need to the best of my ability.

I can do all this for you, and do it with 110% effort.

Here is what I can't do:

I can't sell stupid shit to mindless consumers. Sorry (and unfortunately, this means I can't work in 95% of the American workplace).

I can't sell materialistic shit that every fucking capitalist has their greedy paws in trying to scratch out a profit from.

I can't work for a clueless, out-of-touch boss.

I can't stomach the lies that my society spews out everyday.

I can't stand being just a number in the bottom line.

I won't work a meaningless job.

I am worth more than $12 an hour. If you want to pay me this, I'll only give you $6 an hour worth of work (the other six is counted as a "clueless boss" tax).

I don't have a god-damned college degree. I measured this cost, and decided that this fucking piece of paper wasn't worth the cost: $30,000 in debt plus the inflationary value of currency compounded by the fact that just because I paid for the paper doesn't mean I'm still going to get a job that pays more than $12 an hour. You can keep the god damned degree. If you're too stupid to not recognize my potential because I don't have a piece of paper, then you're just a moron, and you can save the job for some other tool.

So, this is my ontological resume.

I think the only solution for me, when it comes to finding work, is to be self employed.

Thus, I'm starting my own jobs (three, actually).

Oh, and if I need to, I know that a 10 foot by 10 foot garden bed filled with cannabis plants can turn $40,000 -$120,000 in only three months.

Each your heart out, capitalists.

That's my backup plan.


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