Dear Yuppies,

Don't walk into a plant nursery fifteen minutes before the store opens with Starbucks in hand ready to hunt for landscape plants like you're in a marathon. If you're going to have a bad attitude, then just don't drink the coffee, that just makes things worse.

Don't call into the local talk radio station to complain about politicians who do nothing about traffic while you're sitting by yourself in your fancy new SUV stuck in traffic with all the other yuppies in SUVs and european luxury cars driving by themselves. And don't complain about tobacco smoke in bars when the fumes your gas chugger is spewing out while it is stuck in traffic are far worse.

Don't set your sprinkler system to water your lawn during the rain storms. And write your local representatives in government demanding that municipal offices do the same. Some of us need to drink that water. Some of us don't like to buy vitamin and caffeine enhanced bottled water with fruity flavors.

Don't return two hundred dollars worth of plants because Home Depot was cheaper, and then beg for me to walk your through our sales floor telling you all about the plants that you will later buy at Home Depot because they are cheaper. Next time this happens, I'm charging you a two hundred dollar service fee for thinking for you. Knowledge ain't cheap.

In fact, next time you are confronted by a problem, don't ask someone to think it out for you. You are a highly paid, highly valued worker ant in our American capitalist economy. It would do you best, in the competitive sense, to exercise that brain matter a little more.

And try taking time away from the gym to read a book once in a while, or even raise your children. You'll thank me for it in thirty years, that is, if you don't destroy our culture first.

God bless,

sincerely,

sourmonkey