to Lighten the Mood

these are a few recent jokes posted by "scatamousche" on the Karma Lab forum. You can click the link above to view MANY others. Have fun!

.. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted he only needed half a head. The boy agreed to ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said: "Hey, boss, there's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." Suddenly, the boy turns to find the man standing right behind him. He quickly added: "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager called on the boy and said: "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out trouble. You think on your feet and we like that around here." The manager continued: "Where are you from son?"
The boy replied: "Canada sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
"They're all just whores and hockey players up there!" said the boy.
"My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager.


"Oh, really!" said the boy. "Which team did she play for?"

(posted by scatamousche)


An American outlaw rides across the border into Mexico and robs a train,
taking several thousand dollars worth of gold. The Mexican police capture
the man and they're sure he's the train robber. But, they don't speak
English. So, they send a man to town to find an interpreter.

The interpreter shows up at the jail and the questioning begins:

Police Chief: We know you took the money and we want to know where it is
right now!

Interpreter: We know you took the money and we want to know where it is
right now!

Train robber: I don't know anything about any money.

Interpreter: I don't know anything about any money.

Police Chief: You see this gun against your head? Well, you have one minute
to tell me where the money is or I'll shoot. (Counting down from 60...)

Interpreter: You see this gun against your head? Well, you have one minute
to tell me where the money is or I'll shoot. And mister, I would listen to
him. I know the Chief and he's crazy!

Train robber: Okay! I'll tell you. Don't shoot! I hid the money in a cave
across from the big boulder on the edge of town.

Interpreter: Chief, he says go ahead and shoot. He will never tell you where
the money is.

(posted by scatamousche)


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is
wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and
her cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice
fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and
notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

(posted by scatamousche)


on Exercise:

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

(posted by scatamousche)